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Rental Review: Know1ng

October 18, 2009


By Chad Larson

Let me preface this review with a few things. First, there will be major spoilers, like, I am going to tell you the ending of the movie kind of spoilers. Second, I am on the staff of this intrepid little blog because I am the kind of person, the average Joe Idiot, that enjoys big budget exploding movies that are big on boom and light on plot. I’m the one who reviews the movies you’ve already seen reviewed in the papers, but I do it with bad jokes and the writing skills of a sixth grader.

Alright, so, “Know1ng.” I cringe every time I type the title of this movie because it reminds me of all the thirteen year old kids who type in “leet” style, replacing letters with numbers.

The premise of the movie is interesting. A time capsule is dug up and one of the things in it is a sheet of paper filled with seemingly random numbers. The numbers are discovered to point out dates where tragedies occur, locations, and numbers of people who are killed.

Nicolas Cage plays the protagonist, whose name I honestly don’t remember. That’s how little I could get in to this movie.

Things start off with a bang. A plane crash occurs. Cage sticks his hand in fire and helps a few burning people, but lots still die. Later on there is a subway train crash that Cage miraculously survives. Cage slowly slips into complete crazy mode throughout the movie. Men in black style guys stalk him and his kids, and one burps a beam of light at Cage to distract him (I’m not making this up.)

So, they figure out that the “33” at the end of the list of numbers is actually “EE” backwards which stands for “Everyone Else.” A solar flare is coming that will kill everyone. Cage tries to get his kids to safety but the light-burping men in black show up and turn out to be aliens or angels or something and take the kids away to a new world. Solar flare blows everything up, everyone dies. Kids end up in a wheat field on some other planet and run to a big tree.

Now that you know how the movie ends, let me say this: If Nicolas Cage wasn’t in this movie and the goofy alien ending would have been dropped, it might have been alright. I could see someone else being a much better lead – maybe Bruce Willis? He doesn’t overact as much as Cage does.

The special effects in this movie are top notch. The plane crash and subway crash are very convincing and you don’t really notice that they are CGI. The final scene of the solar flare wrecking everything on earth is reminiscent of the destruction of New York in Independence Day, except on a global scale. Really impressive.

But Nic Cage just kills the movie. I’m sure he is a nice guy in real life. He named his kid after Superman. Maybe he’s weird. But it seems like in hindsight, virtually every movie he has been in since 2000 or so has been absolute crap, and mainly because of him!

I keep telling myself I’ll stop watching his movies, but sometimes I get bored and think “well, maybe this one will be better.” And they never are.

So that is why I spoiled the ending to this movie right here. This movie sucks. Don’t waste your money on it, even if it’s only a dollar on Redbox. When it comes on cable in three years watch the boom parts and skip the rest… your IQ will thank you.

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