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10 alternate endings that would have made He's Just Not That Into You a good movie

March 20, 2009

nothatintoyou2

I honestly do enjoy romantic comedies. I spend many a Sunday afternoon watching the guy getting the girl, etc. So, believe me when I say that I was rooting for He’s Just Not That Into You to redeem itself up until the end, but with a few swift actions the ending completely ruins the movie. I could give you a plot synopsis but really, if you have seen the trailer, seen the title, or maybe read the book, you get the concept.

The other thing that is besides the point are the names of the characters, as every actor in this film is really just there for star power to get you in the seat. So, below are ten reasonable alternatives to end the movie in a way that would not make me claw my eyes out.

10. All the characters come together at a wedding where consequently, Drew Barrymore, tired of the Internets, has strapped a bomb to her chest because they forgot to give her a role in the movie. Screaming, “I’m a star, recognize!” she inadvertently kills everyone when really only trying to target people that have a date. Gay boys in background manage to survive to tell the tale. One immediately Twitters. OMG. Crazy bitch needed to get laid.

9. Jennifer Connelly sleeps with Scarlett Johannson in a revenge to get back at her husband. Johannson leaves both of them for a hot Spaniard who offers her a free plane ride to the country.

8. Bradley Cooper (Connelly’s husband) gets lung cancer and admits that he really did smoke after all.

7. The mother of the five-year-old girl from the opening scene is later sued by said child for negligence and abuse due to the trauma inflicted from lies about men. A searing drama ensues. Ok, not an ending – a whole new movie.

6. Ginnifer Goodwin serves Justin Long’s character with a restraining order after he attempts to stab her with a pen citing his need to stop thinking about her.

5. Jennifer Aniston steals Affleck’s boat and takes ten cats on board to live out the rest of her life in solitude. She sends him a message in the bottle that reads, “Fuck You.” (I stole this last bit completely from The Immaculate Conception of Little Dizzle cause it is funny as hell in that movie)

4. Drew Barrymore takes MySpace to the next level and begins Mary’s Pick-Up Blog where she hits on random internet crazies and offers to take things to the next level (ie. Facebook them).

3. Kris Kristofferson’s character dies and Ben Affleck crashes the funeral drunk screaming obscenities about them apples.

2. Kevin Connelly comes out of the closet.

1. Ginnifer Goodwin’s character sleeps with Justin Long’s character and then says, Oh, hmm, look at the time, but it was so nice to meet you. Curtains close. Bam.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. March 23, 2009 3:38 pm

    Yeah, me also on #9…can we bring in Penelope Cruz also?

  2. March 20, 2009 5:36 pm

    I’m personally sold on #9. Make it happen.

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